Woah! What happened? Why am I actually reviewing something?! It’s a long story, folks, but it ended with me being punched in the face. It may have had something to do with my controversial opinion on a certain labcoat-wearing back alley doctor.

Stupid Sexy Balalaika...

Disclaimer- Balalaika only shows up in flashback for this episode, but she's awesome so I'm posting her anyway.

Black Lagoon is the type of anime that I feel like my gender shouldn’t like. It’s essentially an action movie in animated form where everyone smokes, shoots people, swears, and has gigantic tits. Then they discuss philosophy. Did I mention that all the women are incredibly powerful criminals who the men fear (which is probably why I like it, actually…)? It’s crazy, and yet it manages to be incredibly badass and (at times) poignant! I can’t review the original series right now (a friend of mine is borrowing the DVDs), so I’ll explain some things that go by without context. Let’s dive into Black Lagoon- Roberta’s Blood Trail!

The episode begins with a remix of our old favorite, Engrish-laden opening. The animation is new, but nothing really exciting—just Revy shooting people and smoking and the obligatory shots of the men on the Black Lagoon (And some Roberta). It’s better than the last opening, but nothing I’d want to watch over and over again. After this, the episode opens with a flashback on some characters-we-don’t-care-about-yet, with a currently-nameless-soldier protecting an orphaned child from some of his colleagues who want to killher. Fast forward to modern day and we see—

The Baddest Maid in the whole damn world.

Uh oh, it's the doom maid.

—Uh-oh, it’s Roberta! She’s happy, and the closest Black Lagoon characters ever get to true happiness is ‘sick, sadistic thrill’. We know some shit is going to happen soon.

YOUR MASTER ASPLODE

BOOM!

Well, what do you know! Just when Roberta’s master was elected president, he’s assassinated by a terrorist group. Roberta comforts a crying Garcia during the funeral, and we’re treated to a flashback of Garcia’s father taking in soldier!Roberta as one of the Lovelace family maids. Garcia shows her that the Lovelace family heirlooms are nifty-looking old fashioned weapons, and Roberta begins training to max out her badassery. Since she was one of the three most terrifying women in the series beforehand, who knows what she’ll become!?

Say hello to my little friend...

Brb, gonna kill some people.

We now visit the wretched hive that is Roanapur, as we see some American soldiers there talking about how wretched of a hive it is. Hey, the one guy looks like the soldier in the flash back! He’ll probably be important later on. They spot Rock and talk about how much he stands out, since he’s the only Japanese Business Man in the area. Poor Rock’s wallet is stolen by a small child, who runs past Revy and who owns him off screen.

UST UST UST UST

Watch after your own damn wallet!

Revy gives him his wallet back, and it’s revealed that Rock has been keeping a picture of Yukio in it.

Watch after your own damn wallet with pictures of dead Yakuza princesses in it!

He says he keeps it as an ironic good-luck charm, as Revy reminds him that he can’t save everyone just because he’s the only person in Roanapur who has a grasp on morality. She does this by bringing up the subject of all of their jobs with unsatisfying endings, such as the time when they had to steal a painting from a sunken U-boat (ended in Rock questioning the morality of the world), the time when they had to stop the crazy Romanian twins from killing everyone (ended in Rock questioning the morality of the world and half of the audience being moved to tears), and the time when they were supposed to translate Balalaika’s terrible English into Japanese (ended in Rock questioning the morality of the world and me remembering why Black Lagoon is better when dubbed). A few phone conversations later, the Black Lagoon company learns that crazy maid Roberta is back in Roanapur, and decide to discuss it at the Yellow Flag, since they know all bad things happen there and it has to be destroyed at least once per story arc.

As it turns out, every crime syndicate in Roanapur is looking for Roberta. Gustavo, of the Columbian mafia, sits down with Revy to talk about the maid, and speak of the devil, she appears!

Shorty

Aww, I don't remember Roberta being so cute!

…Or not. It turns out to be another maid from the Lovelace family—Fabiola Igelais. Rock and Revy stare in disbelief as one of the Columbians picks her up with one hand. Surprised, he remarks that she’s heavy for such a small kid.

Ready... aim...

You are going to regret that, sir.

Fabiola sighs, kicks her leg up as a DAGGER comes out of her shoe, and stabs the guy in the balls. Holy shit. The man who was holding her drops her and rolls on the ground in pain, as every other man in the bar watches in terror. Fabiola land gracefully as everyone aims their guns at her and threatens to check her for weapons.Just then, she pulls two guns out of her sleeves and proceeds to turn everyone into sniveling manchildren who call for backup. They open fire to the Yellow Flag with a chain gun, but Fabiola RPG Launcher’s them into submission.

Pfft, guns.

Do you have anyweapons, little girl?

Not pictured- Action Sequence

Just a freaking RPG Launcher!

The Lagoon company takes her to the Hotel where she’s staying with Garcia, and who else is there but…

dun dun DUUUUN

CHEN!

Fabiola stupidly runs at him, and is stopped because Chen knows how to be a lone male badass in a city populated by female badasses. Garcia reassures Fabiola that he’s just there to talk, and she reluctantly puts her gun away.

DISCUSSION TIME

Revy's a jerk and doesn't want to be with everyone else.

Garcia tells the Lagoon company about his father’s assassination, and how Roberta was suspicious of it and has escaped to Roanapur to hunt down anyone with a connection to it. She’s already managed to hunt down two of them based on their picture alone! Rock once more questions the morality of the world as he imagines innocent people (Garcia and Fabiola) dying in Roberta’s roaring rampage of revenge, while Fabiola clarifies that she doesn’t want all of the Lagoon Company’s help, just Rock’s. Meanwhile, we see poor Bao desperately trying to salvage what is left of the Yellow Flag, as Roberta walks up to him and asks where she should go to start a war.

Roberta will devour your soul

Not something I want to see before I die.

X marks the spot!

Uh-oh...

The new ending is definitely a step up from the last, which I found incredibly boring (except after the Romanian Twins arc, in which it made us cry and question the morality of the world). It plays The Ants Go Marching “Johnny Comes Marching Home” as it shows flashbacks of some of the major players in this OVA when they were young and adorable, ending with them being not-so-adorable badasses who smoke.

wut

Some things cannot be taken seriously and this is one of them.

I'm still not sure what this guy's name is

...The American Soldier guy!

I have a stupid girl crush on her, sorry!

Balalaika!

Black Lagoon will end when everyone dies of lung cancer

Rock!

Normally this episode would have been rather boring, but the saving grace was Fabiola. I’m a cheater who read the rest of the arc beforehand, but things should get much more interesting. All in all, I’ll rate this episode-

Run Jacuzzi, Run!Run Jacuzzi, Run!Run Jacuzzi, Run!.5

(Yes, I am now rating things in scared running Jacuzzis. Don’t judge me.)