-vomits all over everyone involved in this-

Apparently, ten years ago a guy called Toujou Basara said he wanted a younger sister, and now it’s his lucky day – he’s getting two! His father introduces the two generic light novel character templates as the daughters of his new wife, who is conveniently out of the country, and now they’re going to live together in their brand new house. A life of sexy, hideously unfunny hijinks has begun! However his father is then called away on urgent business, leaving the three kids by themselves. It is then revealed that, in a SHOCKING TWIST! they’re both demons, the older sister Mio being the daughter of the demon king, and that they have altered Toujou’s father’s memories into thinking he had a new wife to begin with. However, in another SHOCKING TWIST!, Toujou isn’t the ordinary human they expected, he’s actually a ‘hero’ with magic powers of his own and isn’t taking any of their crap. That is, until yet another SHOCKING TWIST! – a bunch of other demons are after Mio because they want to take the demon throne.

that’s not how fabric works, unless her tits are vaccuum-sealed.

So, uh…you think it’s too early to declare the worst show of the season? I kinda hope not, because I don’t think I can sit through anything worse than this episode so soon. Several times during this run-time I actually just paused it and stared at the wall for a bit, because I honestly couldn’t take so much rapid-fire steaming garbage in one hit. I had to pace myself.

I feel like a lot of things about Shinmai Maou no Testament is the result of someone finally building a Light Novel Machine that just jumbles a bunch of phrases and stock character types together and then spits it all out in a festering heap. From the nigh criminally-unfunny attempts at sex-humour to the hilariously dumb ‘magical’ names (DEMON LORD WILBERT is my personal favourite) to the fact that I am certain that I have seen redhead Mio in at least five other terrible generic Light Novel anime adaptations, it’s hard to imagine anyone penning this in earnest. We get the classic ‘hilarious’ scene of main character Toujou walking in on Mio in the toilet scarcely two minutes into the episode – because the Light Novel machine is not yet programmed to come up with any other way of having Main Dude first meet Main Girl unless she’s in some state of undress. This would be bad enough – however this show goes the extra mile by having Toujou run in to silence her before she can start screaming that he’s a pervert, covering her mouth and ramming her up against the wall and deliberately using camera angles and framing to make it look as though he is actually raping her. COMEDY! Not even five minutes of the show had passed at that point and I already wanted to quit, and I only wanted to quit more and more the further I got into the episode.

I shouldn’t expect any depth of character or logic from something it looks like a Light Novel Machine slapped together but honestly, these characters make absolutely no sense. Why did they need to make Toujou’s dad think that he had a wife and they were her daughters…? (Answer= because even in 2015 otaku are getting boners over anime little sisters, even if they aren’t actually related, and that angle had to be squeezed in somehow. If this was a solution that a program in a machine devised on its own, and not something an actual person decided, that’s actually impressive in a way.) Why does Mio react so negatively to being walked in on in the bathroom and act like Toujou was a terrible big pervert, but then the next morning wakes him up by grinding on his junk with her tits bouncing in his face because ‘I thought a boy would like to be woken up like this’? (Answer= Because the Light Novel Machine knew that it required some dumb fanservice at that point but wasn’t sure how to go about it, and its program is not yet developed enough to determine how bullshit something is.) Why does the anime even attempt to do that ridiculous hamfisted ~family love~ bollocks that Listen to me girls, I am your father! wasn’t fooling anyone with, but sexualize the ‘sisters’ to hell and back (geddit) and make most of the dialogue painful jokes about how Toujou should want to bang both of them? (Answer= because this is terrible.)

There are, at least, two decent things about this; the first being that Toujou not being an ordinary human instead of the Average Light Novel Protagonist was actually unexpected and worked pretty well as a plot twist. The second is that when the show employed that terrible ‘assault/attempted assault as plot point’ trick and Toujou had to rescue Mio from a bunch of would-be molesters, one of them says his surname is lame and he replies ‘not as lame as your face!’ which was so dumb I actually laughed. However, you can sprinkle as much chocolate on top of a turd as you want – at the end of the day it’s still a turd.

If Shinmai Maou no Testament was in fact the work of a machine running an automated light novel generator, it would be vaguely impressive, yet still terrible. Given that it’s actually not, however, it’s honestly just dismal. I feel like if you asked someone who hated anime to make an anime of what they assume all anime is like, they would make Shinmai Maou no Testament.

-yawns very loudly-

Out of 5,
melon for ‘not as lame as your face!’