That’s no moon…it’s a not at all stupidly named “Object”


It is The Future. Every inch of Earth’s surface, including its oceans, has been heavily developed. Rich people now build super-deluxe vacation homes on the moon. And wars between the four remaining world powers are now fought with immense weapons called….wait for it….”Objects”. Though they’re not impressive to look at – appearing as large round balls with cannons sticking out – Objects are nigh-indestructible, possess immense firepower, and use virtually no power to run.

After a lengthy narration about the various functions of Objects, we are introduced to two soldiers, Qwenthur and Havia, stationed in Alaska. They lament their dull job of shoveling snow from the runways and dream of becoming “Elites” – as Object pilots are known. For no apparent reason, their conversation is intercut with scenes of a female Object pilot showering.

Tired of low-quality army food, the two men attempt to catch some dinner. While Qwenthur fishing, he runs into the female Object pilot, who is referred to as “Princess” and is rather distant and emotionless. The pilot complains that the snow and cold temperature makes her Object less combat effective. For some reason, Qwenthur is instantly smitten – possibly due to her skin-tight pilot suit rather than her nonexistent conversational skills.

Qwenthur and Havia’s secret food-gathering expedition is found out, and they are summoned before their commanding officer, Frolaytia, an 18-year old girl with an impossibly large bust. She commandeers their food and assigns them punishment. Qwenthur is set to perform maintenance on the Object’s emergency evacuation equipment, a notoriously difficult job. He accidentally tightens the pilot’s seatbelt, which of course causes her breasts to pop nearly out of her uniform. He finds himself unable to help unfasten her, as he’s too nervous about touching her chest, so she just evacuates herself via parachute.

The episode ends with a strange…flashback? flashforward? I honestly couldn’t tell…that showed the Princess injured, her Object defeated by an enemy Object, and Qwenthur realizing that he must go into battle himself.

“Frolaytia” sounds like a diet frozen yogurt product

I was instantly struck by this show’s strange, ridiculous-sounding title. After watching it, however, I think the title should be “Heavy Objection” instead, because that was about all the characters did for the duration of the episode: complain. Havia and Qwenthur complained about their jobs, the food, and how they’ll never pilot Objects. The pilot, whose name was never given in the episode, complained that her Object was ineffective in the snow and ice. Frolaytia (the names in this show are as ridiculous as the title) complained about Havia and Qwenthur goofing off.

Between all that complaining and very few actual scenes of Objects in action (only during the first 5 minutes, and accompanied by a dull narration about the various functions of Objects) this had to be one of the most boring, slowest-paced first episodes I’ve watched in a while. Aside from the short scene at the very end, nothing actually happened in this episode. Add to that a rather high amount of fanservice – the utterly pointless shots of the Princess naked in the shower and her uncomfortable near-suffocation by seatbelts – and you have an utter trainwreck of a show.

Notice how her reflection only shows her chest

The show didn’t do much for me visually either. The Objects are very similar to mecha, being large weapons with a single pilot – but while mecha tend to be at least fairly interesting design wise, the Objects are literally just large round balls. The Princess’s Object is considered rare and special….because it’s white instead of black. Havia and Qwenthur respectively are basically Generic Spiky-Haired Male and Generic Long-Haired Male, while the females are large-breasted and wear short skirts and skintight uniforms despite being stationed in Alaska.

I didn’t have high hopes for Heavy Object (it’s based on a light novel, and as I’ve said the title is rather ridiculous), but I had at least held out hope for some decent action scenes. Instead, I got 23 minutes of complaining. Needless to say, I won’t be blogging this. I struggled to think of anything positive to earn the show even one Dio, and the only thing I could come up with is that the old woman who is the Object’s head mechanic is pretty cool. So one Dio for her.

dio

Have a cap of best character (spoiler: It’s not Qwenthur)

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