me watching this

Game Protagonist meets Main Heroine on the roof of the school because she has something important to tell him…..she’s pregnant!!! Although, it turns out she’s a virgin, so it’s kind of a mystery. Game Protagonist reacts to this with mild surprise, and then suddenly they both get spirited off into another dimension, which they react to with about the same amount of surprise. (Or, in Heroine’s case, even less. She literally says ‘compared to my pregnancy this is nothing’. Heroine suddenly vomits out a demon – turns out it wasn’t a pregnancy after all – and then Protagonist defeats it with a sword. They are then led by the worst animal mascot character ever devised by man, who makes some gross sexual comments and then takes them to meet the king of this land, who tells them that they are super special chosen ones called Visitors.

A sexy nurse explains to Protagonist that he has to defeat more demons called ‘Impurities’, by cranking out babies with the 12 zodiac preistesses, which includes Heroine for some reason… and since Heroine is conveniently right there, he can start by banging her. The worst animal mascot character ever devised by man proceeds to move from innuendo to outright sex talk to straight-up molesting Heroine, while the two are preparing to have sex like they were ordered to. The episode ends right when they start to get it on.

please kill this thing someone

You know, I wondered if I would see something in the rest of my First Impressions for the year that would make me more uncomfortable than the goblin rape in Goblin Slayer and it turns out that a fucking tanuki red panda raccoon whatever-the-hell with the most annoying voice in the world molesting a teenage girl while gloating about the sex that is about to unfold is that something. Jesus christ. At least Goblin Slayer was supposed to be disturbing. This is…supposed to be what, exactly? Funny? Arousing? I have no idea. I just know that it’s potential the worst scene I have ever seen in an anime not only this season, not only this year, but potentially in my entire life.

Conception is based on a video game that always seems to get very mixed reviews, but the main thing I hear about it is that there isn’t any sexual content. There’s the innuendo of ‘making children’, but it seems to all happen magically with both parties putting their magical energy into a device which instantaneously spits out a magic baby that you can then use in battles (the game sounds absolutely ridiculous). Knowing that beforehand, I was expecting some kind of fake-out here – that there would be a bunch of nudge-nudge wink-wink stuff about making a child and then the joke would be that it wasn’t what they expected (ie, actual sex). Unless this fake-out happens in the next episode, that…didn’t happen here. Not only does the worst mascot character ever devised by mankind scream ad nauseam that SEX WILL HAPPEN, it seems like it actually will, with this episode ending on a fade-to-black. Unless, again, the worst mascot character will hilariously pop up in episode 2 and tell them he was trolling or something. Whatever happens, I’m not going to find out, because I absolutely refuse to pay any more attention to this. Especially because one of those zodiac priestesses (who I’m sure will each get one incredibly uncomfortable episode each) looks about 10 goddamn years old.

Even if the content didn’t make me feel wildly uncomfortable on a cellular level, even by crappy video game adaptation anime standards this is bad. The animation is absurdly terrible (although there’s not a great deal of it to begin with), and the scene where Heroine thrashes around and then barfs up the Impurity was so shonky looking it made me laugh. The demon thing they fight looks like a goddamn cardboard cut-out. The script is appalling, with incredibly stilted and unnatural sounding lines – nobody speaks like a real person, not even remotely. No one reacts to anything like a real person, either. The voice acting is also pretty awful, especially the nurse. There are times where it seems like its clearly meant to be sexy, but is just weird and offputting. There are also several lengthy shots of exposition that seem to be taken from the point of view of an ant sitting near the protagonist’s underwear bulge, which takes up a huge part of the screen, which is…maybe supposed to be funny? (it isn’t) Perhaps worst of all, every now and then the whole show pauses after a particularly stupid line before someone reacts to it, as though its…supposed to be a pause for laughter? More like a pause for crickets chirping. I mean holy shit. I may bitch about the Dangan Ronpa anime a lot but it’s a masterpiece compared to this. It seems like most of the fans of the game are panning it, and I almost, almost feel bad for them.

I didn’t believe it was possible, but there just might be an anime worse than Handshakers. God help us all.

i am literally begging someone, anyone in this show to throw that thing into a woodchipper

Out of 5, a big fat zero.